Friends

I miss my friends.  I keep up with some of them on facebook and blogs, but I miss having them nearby.  I miss having someone to come by and visit, someone to GO visit nearby, someone to meet for lunch, someone to watch a movie with, someone to go with me to browse in antique shops - someone to do anything with.   When I worked outside the home, I was busy and was not so lonesome.  I still missed my friends, but I wasn't so lonesome.  Does that make sense?  Maybe it was because I was so tired I didn't feel like doing anything.  I think if I lived closer to my sister it would solve this lonesome feeling.  Don't get me wrong,  I love my husband, my boys, my daughter in law and my grandson, but that's just not the same.  Surely I'm not the only one who feels like this. 

At 54 years old I would have thought I'd feel like I fit in somewhere.  I don't.  I would have thought I'd have a group of friends nearby.  I don't.   My life is not what I had expected it would be at this point.  Pardon my reflections.  I'm just venting how I feel.  I know this is not an uplifting, positive post.  That's not unusual for someone who suffers from manic depression and bi-polar.  Mental illness takes its tole in so many ways.  I can understand why I don't have a group of friends here.  Who wants to be around someone who is always drepressed?    Maybe I need to find a 12 step group for depressed people.  LOL  We might become friends. 

Believe me, I'd much rather be a happy upbeat person on the inside instead of having to try to fake it on the outside.  It is exhausting.  Some days are better than others and I go from highs to lows as anyone who is manic depressed does.  I cannot imagine how it would be without my medication.  I don't think I could stand it.   

Sometimes people think people like me are just negative people.  That is so untrue.  If they only knew how badly I wish I was normal.  It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't dealt with the illness.  I look normal on the outside and I try so hard to act normal around everyone else, but on the inside it's a different story.   I wish I knew the answer.  I wish the medications worked better.  I wish and wish.  I hope and pray.  Sometimes I can't hope anymore, sometimes I stop wishing and yes, sometimes I can't pray.  

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this, but I'm going to because this is how I'm feeling right now.  Here's hoping tomorrow will be better!