Today Is Better!

My sweet sister, Ruth, sent me a CD to listen to by someone who spoke in their church.  It was titled, The Dip.  After listening to the CD, I immediately felt better on the inside.    God knows what we need to hear and when we need to hear it.  I cannot count the number of times He has used my sister to make sure I heard what He needed me to hear.

As a side note to my previous post about Friends/Mental Illness yesterday,  I do not think I would be alive today had it not been for my belief in God and knowing that He's there for me, even when I don't go to Him when I should.  He is faithful when I'm not and that's a majority of the time, I guess.  

I don't know how people who don't believe in God survive in this world without going absolutely insane.  I really don't.  I don't cram it down their throats, but everyone that I personally know, knows that I grew up in a Christian home and that I believe in God, Heaven and Hell and my prayer is that I make it to Heaven.

I make mistakes every day.  I don't live like I know I should.  I find comfort though, knowing that God knows and hears my prayers.  It's up to me to do better and I know that.  Maybe that's part of my depression and feeling lonely.  I'll have to do something about that myself and no one can help me.

In summary, I'm thankful that my sister loves me enough to send me CDs of things she knows I need to hear.  She's a blessing to me in so many ways every single day.  I love you, Ruth.

Friends

I miss my friends.  I keep up with some of them on facebook and blogs, but I miss having them nearby.  I miss having someone to come by and visit, someone to GO visit nearby, someone to meet for lunch, someone to watch a movie with, someone to go with me to browse in antique shops - someone to do anything with.   When I worked outside the home, I was busy and was not so lonesome.  I still missed my friends, but I wasn't so lonesome.  Does that make sense?  Maybe it was because I was so tired I didn't feel like doing anything.  I think if I lived closer to my sister it would solve this lonesome feeling.  Don't get me wrong,  I love my husband, my boys, my daughter in law and my grandson, but that's just not the same.  Surely I'm not the only one who feels like this. 

At 54 years old I would have thought I'd feel like I fit in somewhere.  I don't.  I would have thought I'd have a group of friends nearby.  I don't.   My life is not what I had expected it would be at this point.  Pardon my reflections.  I'm just venting how I feel.  I know this is not an uplifting, positive post.  That's not unusual for someone who suffers from manic depression and bi-polar.  Mental illness takes its tole in so many ways.  I can understand why I don't have a group of friends here.  Who wants to be around someone who is always drepressed?    Maybe I need to find a 12 step group for depressed people.  LOL  We might become friends. 

Believe me, I'd much rather be a happy upbeat person on the inside instead of having to try to fake it on the outside.  It is exhausting.  Some days are better than others and I go from highs to lows as anyone who is manic depressed does.  I cannot imagine how it would be without my medication.  I don't think I could stand it.   

Sometimes people think people like me are just negative people.  That is so untrue.  If they only knew how badly I wish I was normal.  It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't dealt with the illness.  I look normal on the outside and I try so hard to act normal around everyone else, but on the inside it's a different story.   I wish I knew the answer.  I wish the medications worked better.  I wish and wish.  I hope and pray.  Sometimes I can't hope anymore, sometimes I stop wishing and yes, sometimes I can't pray.  

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this, but I'm going to because this is how I'm feeling right now.  Here's hoping tomorrow will be better!

Spring Fever

I couldn't resist walking around my yard to see how many weeds were in my flower beds, looking at my trees and thinking how pretty it will be once I can get outside for my "therapy".  I was surprised to see some trees with tiny buds peeking out, some bulbs that were peeking through the dirt and more weeds than I care to deal with.  When the ground dries out enough, I'm going to be putting Round-Up on those weeds, covering the dirt with wet newspapers and putting a fresh layer of mulch on them to stop the weeds.

With the mild winter we've had, my trees and flowers have gotten confused and think it's time to wake up from the winter.  I hope future winter weather doesn't kill them.

Yes, spring fever has arrived for me.  Until I can actually get outside and do what I love - making a pretty yard, I guess I'll continue doing things inside that I don't do during warm weather.  That will include washing all my curtains/drapes, cleaning the window blinds, painting and a little more organizing.

I will be planting a big garden this year, too.  Can't wait for fresh corn, butter beans, peas, okra, tomatoes, green beans, onions and whatever I decide to grow.  Hopefully I'll have a freezer full by the time summer is over.  It's funny how things I just "hated" having to do in the past are now things I love doing.  

I can't wait!  I love gardening.  Digging in the dirt is an urge that hits me every year.  Hubby says I'm running out of places to plant things.  I disagree!  There are plenty areas that could use a tree or a flower bed.

It's nice having something to look forward to.

Protecting Our Children and Grandchildren.

I was just reading an update to the story about the missing toddler, Ayla Reynolds.  Have you noticed how often toddlers go missing?  It breaks my heart and makes me furious at the same time.  What is wrong with these people?  How can anyone put a toddler, a child or anyone else through this?  It's awful for anyone, but there's just something about someone harming a child that's just beyond my comprehension. I would personally like to get my hands on people who do this.  I pray that Ayla is found okay, but it's not looking good.  I personally think the last person who was with the child should be held without bond even though they are considered innocent until proven guilty. 

I never went missing - ever.  I was sexually abused as a child (not by my parents) but I can tell you that I never forgot and it never stopped affecting me.  When I was young, it was not something I was warned about and it was not something that was talked about either.  How I wish I had told someone.  I can assure you I explained very early to my boys that there are evil people in this world and swore that if anyone ever touched them inappropriately, that person would deal with my wrath and it would not be pretty.  Now that I have a grandson, I'll make sure he understands as well.  NO ONE messes with my kids or grandson.  The innocence of children is taken away already by TV, movies and just walking down the street.  A lot of people no longer care about being a good example to their children.  Don't get me wrong, I made mistakes with mine too.  But, the world was a different place when they were growing up.   Mistakes and evil weren't as rampant as they are today.  It's practically impossible to protect them from all the things being crammed down their throats by TV, the news, commercials, things taught in schools that I don't think should be taught and the filth that is rampant today.  God help them.  God help us all. We should all be very careful what is watched, heard and seen in our homes.

Till next time,
Be safe~!

Productive Day...All Because I Was Frustrated

When I get frustrated, I cannot sit.  I either have to go to bed and try to sleep or I get in the spastic mode of doing something that needs to be done.  Today was one of those days.  I took my frustration out on my bathroom vanity drawers, under the sinks and the drawers on my nightstand.  I have them organized and accumulated two kitchen trash bags full of junk; some of it years old.  Some of it has made 3 to 4 moves with me.  Ridiculous.  I'm rather proud that I got those chores done even though a bad day is what prompted me to do them.

Next on the list is hubby's closet.  I have begged and pleaded with him to do it.  He works, he broke his elbow and there have been numerous reasons AND excuses why it hasn't been done.  He had his opportunity!!! LOL  I cleaned out my closet recently and I have nothing left much.  I had clothes that were too small, too big, and clothes that I haven't worn in 5 years.  They are gone.  He may walk into his closet and find nothing left.

When the closet is finished, I'll be doing Andrew's room - again.  I had organized all his toys and separated the "baby toys" from the ones he actually plays with now.  Once he realized they were all organized, he wanted to play with everything.  His little friends who come over from time to time also want to play with everything.  The baby toys are going to be packed and moved out.  I want to paint his room and decorate it for a little boy.  I first thought I'd fix it as a guest bedroom, but I never have guests, so it's going to be his room and if by chance someone visits and stays here, they can use his room.   He sleeps with me anyway, so that won't be a big deal.

Greg is using the 4th bedroom as a weight room.  (Sigh)  His weight bench and accessories  prevent me from using it for anything else.

On another note, my internet service with ATT has driven me bonkers today.  It's been cutting on and off all day.  I spent an hour trying to talk to a person with no luck.  Finally, I was able to get online long enough to chat online with someone and a technician will be here tomorrow afternoon.  If they can't fix the problem, I'm going to bite the bullet and change to Comcast service for internet.  It will cost $20 more per month after a year, but I have cancelled garbage pickup service and will be hauling my trash to the county dump and that saves me $20 per month.  So, we'll see what happens.

I was not in the mood to cook a full meal tonight, so I'm making chicken salad.  Another frustration - I asked my son to buy a loaf of bread and a bag of chips on his way home from work.  He went into the store for something he wanted and "forgot" what I'd asked him to bring home.  GRRRR

Jon's been having back pain - severe back pain and has been to the doctor several times.  He has gotten a round of shots and they have not helped.  He was to work a double shift today and had to leave early because the pain was so bad he was in tears.  He is now in the emergency room and I'm waiting anxiously to hear what they have to say.  He's gone before for the same problem and I'm hoping this time they will do all the tests necessary to find out what's causing this.  Please keep him in your prayers.

Right now, I'm listening to American Idol try-outs and dear me.  Some of these people amaze me - not in a good way.  I do not like the audition portion of this show.  They didn't ask me, though.  HA HA HA

I've rambled enough - more than enough.

Be safe~!

Just Rambling

It's been a good weekend although Andrew wore me out.  He had several episodes of the terrible twos and it's the first time I've encountered that with him.  He will be 3 in March, so I'm hoping he's just getting it out of his system.

I went to Publix yesterday and purchased the buy one get on free items I wanted.  I love getting one free!  I went to Sams and purchased my meats.  Found a roast reduced for quick sale and cooked it yesterday.  It was delicious.

Hubby has been suffering with a toothache this weekend.  How well I know the misery of that.  I recently had two teeth pulled - jaw teeth - because I could not afford the root canals and crowns.  Such is the life of someone without health/dental insurance.

We're expecting some severe weather here tonight within an hour or so.  Guess the weather radio will keep me up most of the night.  I'm glad I have one.

I still have to clip coupons from the papers today.  Just wasn't in the mood to do it after Drew left.  I have several things that will keep me busy tomorrow but I'm determined to get them done.  Still trying to choose a paint color for the living room and I'm sure once it's painted I'll have to paint other rooms.

Hoping Greg gets a car soon.  I'm having to wake up early every day to take him to work.  Hubby does not like being home without a vehicle.

Got my Corelle dishes in and I love them.  Hoping to get out of the habit of buying paper plates.  That's just another way to save money!  I'm looking at everything I do to see where I can cut corners or save.  I don't think I'll every pay full price again for most things I use.

Typos

Last night I decided to read my blogs and oh my goodness.  I found typos. Ugh.  I don't like typos at all and have always been allergic to them.  LOL  Maybe that's why I felt the need to re-read what I'd posted.  Instead of posting a long blog right now, I'm going to correct the errors.